As I lit my candle I thought of the child I lost in 2005 due to some circumstances beyond my control. I thought of what he (I always believed that I carried a boy, just a feeling I had from the beginning of the pregnancy), might be like today at 7 years old. What adventures we might have shared together, the times we may have snuggled together on the couch, the sports events that will never be....and I allowed myself to grieve.
It seems that when we lose a child during pregnancy that once the initial loss is dealt with, that people either think we are moved past the event or people want us to move past the event for their comfort so it is not discussed many times. I do want to say that I had a great support network of friends and family that made the situation somewhat easier to bear. They listened to me cry for what seemed like hours sometimes, they comforted me, they allowed me to be angry, to be sad, to just be myself.....that was best.
It seems the subject is still taboo for some, but I really wish that was not the case. There are so many women, and men too, that have dealt with this type of loss and many suffer and grieve alone. Can I just say, that we need our friends to not just listen but to acknowledge this loss? We need for our loved ones to not just refer to it as "the one you lost" but instead if we have given this child a name, to refer to him or her by the name. We are reaching for closure when we name them, even if the pregnancy was only in the first trimester, we need that closure.
One would think that as the years pass and you have another child, that your feelings reside, but that is not the case. The feelings you had and have are still with you and travel with you for the remainder of your life. You always feel as if something is missing, that your life is not complete.
Its the little acts really that give closure to me and serve as a memorial for him. I named him Conner. Every year at Christmas I hang a little white ribbon cross on my tree for him. Often when I hear a little boy with bubbly laughter I think of him.
I grieved a long, long time and thought I would absolutely lose my mind over it. But eventually peace came, and I realized that my son is tended to by angels....that he now visits with his Grandpa. God showed me a picture one time, and I keep it close to my heart, but I will share it with you now.....it is a picture of my son, with this dark hair blowing in the breeze, a huge smile on his face, and he is running to greet me as I enter that city......
The journey is worth it to me to finish
I am so sorry for your loss, Regina. You have given me an insight into the loss of a child prior to him/her being born that I have never known. My mom had a miscarriage before I was born. To read your experience and grieving process gives me insight into what she may have been feeling all these years...but just never talked about. Thank you for such an honest and meaningful post.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for your loss - no matter how many years go by a loss of a child is always with you.
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