Forgiving that one Unforgiveable Person.....It's Messy Y'all

The move to healthy living (take 2 because you and I both know we have tried it before) continues. Last night I had sushi....y'all it was to die for! Guess what though, I not kicking myself about my food choice. Everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial....right? We have to remember that, not just with food but with everything.

The last time I wrote to you, I talked about not being ready to give up a LONG standing love with Dr. Pepper. It's so hard y'all even though I know what the benefits are. I just read the list again last night of what sugar,  and especially an increase amount of can do to your body. It is awful. If you read that list you will run from sugar for the rest of your life......except I don't run from it, I grab another glass and keep on chugging.

Lat night though, I had this thought occur......Why do I drink it like this? Do I want to quit, really?

I do want to quit. It is taking a horrible toll on my health. I know this....I'm smart like that. Then why do persist with this addiction to soda?

A few answers came to my mind:

1. If I quit now, we have already bought several bottle of 2 liters plus 2 liters of the kids choice of drink. Well, that's wasteful not to drink them. 
2. It's my fault that we bought them in the first place, so I should be punished for that somehow
3. I don't want my kids, especially the 9 year old to go down this path, so I will "Save" her by drinking these. 

I knew instantly in my heart those things were an outright lie. I don't have to punish myself for anything. Futhermore, and this may be the most important.....I CANNOT SAVE ANYONE. IT IS NOT MY JOB!

There is only one Saviour

I have to let go of what I think I am protecting. Ultimately, I cannot save her and I cannot save myself. That is evident by the fact that I have multiple health issues right now. 

Which brings me to this morning....

I wake up and these thoughts are still with me. I start asking God to show me the why and what I am doing to myself. He did. 

I realized that I have a deep wound brought about by an offhand comment made to me after I gave birth to Savannah. Prior to getting pregnant I had lost almost 80#. I think at the time I wore a size 8 or 10. When I went back for my 6 week check up, I still wore a size 12. My dr says to me that I need lose weight, that I am not healthy. Um, hello.....just gave birth here and  just came back from the brink of death. I remember leaving there and just feeling like I looked like a beached whale. It was a hard day. Then later when she was about 2 years old, I weighed the same, but another comment. This time from someone closer to me. Now, they apologized for it....much later, years later. It still hurt. I am still hurt today. Words cut deep. Those are scars no one sees. 

God showed how I took that hurt and decided that I would never be hurt again by anyone. I believed that I could barricade myself. My weight ballooned out of control, all in the name of protetion.

It's messy y'all.....

Yet again we see this pattern of trying to protect ourselves and save ourselves. All of a sudden we are trying to be our own God. That will never work. 

There is only ONE Saviour

If I want this healing I have to be willing to pull back those messy layers, expose the wound, pull away the scars and allow God to perform real heart surgery on me. I don't know how that looks for you, it is a different experience I think for everyone. 

For me, it's sobbing into my bathtub while the kids are still asleep. Crying out to God that I am sorry for trying to save myself and acknowledging Him once again as my only Hope.  It's realizing that I wasn't made to carry that sort of responsibility. It is telling Him just how bad I am hurt.  I'ts realizing I have some deep unforgiveness towards this person. I have to make a choice, I can forgive and be healed or I can go on the same way. It's an obvious choice but it was a hard one to come to.  Once I realize that this is the only way, my spirit melts to forgiving them.  It is seeing myself trying to be bigger so that I won't get hurt. It's seeing myself drink all those sodas, eat all that unhealthy food everyday in order to make the barricade around my heart bigger. It is forgiving myself.  It's just laying there, while He speaks words to my spirit that begin to be a salve to the wound. It is hearing Him whisper over and over that it is ok, that I am going to be ok. It was like I could see that wound being healed. 

I tell you all of this today because I have invited you into my life, warts and all.Life is messy, but hiding in the mess will never get anything taken care of.  We have to be willing to let Him do the work that needs done in our lives. Does this mean you will never see me drink a soda again? No, but I have freedom to choose if I want the soda. I am no longer a slave to soda. Did I get up totally free from every sugar addiction? I don't think it works that way...there is a process that has to take place in our bodies. Today, I'm just going to try to walk it out. I may fall, but if I do, I fall straight into Grace and Mercy.....

Walking this part of my journey today, 

The Healthy Kitchen Challenge 2017

The Great Kitchen Cleanout 2017 is going on right now at House of O'Sullivan!!!


No, I'm not joking guys. Two of my friends started a Healthy Kitchen Challenge yesterday. We all know how sugar and other things lead to more inflammation in your body, even at the cellular level. I know those things need to go, but y'all, I don't really want to part with some of them. How do you reconcile that?

The Day 1 challenge was super easy. Just go to your pantry and toss out one item that you don't need to have. Ok, I can do that. I threw everyone's potato chips......I kept my soda.

There is a verse in the Bible that says all things are permissiable but not all things are beneficial. Therefore, I could drink all the Dr. Pepper I could ever want, right? It is permissable, but am I benefitting myself? Well the answer is no. -.....And, if I kick my soda habit, God will love me more, right?

I think sometimes, and maybe more so for women, that we think if we could just lose __# of pounds, if we could just kick the habit of ______ that God would be pleased with us. If I do 1-2-3 then God will be happy and He will answer all of my prayers. Is that the way we view God? A tyrant who must be pleased and then He makes you happy?

I used to.

Then, I found freedom. God is full of Grace and Mercy,  girlfriend. He wants you to succeed. He is rooting for you. He sees just you and He says, "Thats my creation. I made her. She is amazing." He thinks you are great even if you do eat an entire pack of Girl Scout Thin Mints!!!

Let's be clear, I am not talking straight up sin that goes against what God teaches us in the Bible. I am speaking to those of us who have made a declaration of believing in Jesus, the FINISHED work on the cross, and striving to follow Him. If you have done that, then my friend, you can walk in freedom.

Freedom, even in the midst of all the laundry that is crying to be done, the fact that groceries STILL need to be bought this week, and in all the rest of the chaos we call life......freedom.

When I screw it up, His grace is sufficient for me. When I go to Him, I only find Mercy. I sit at His feet and just let Him bathe me in sweet mercy and grace until I feel like I can get up and face one more day, one more kid leaving home, one more demand, one more crisis, one more health issue, one more day.....I can make it one more day.

As for the soda habit and the healthy kitchen challenge......well, we will just have to see how that plays out!

Walking this journey with you,

Tell Her

I see lots of people protesting....some pro-choice, some pro-life. I am curious though if people in either group know how it really feels to make that choice?

I see my fellow Christians spouting things about abortion, yet, do they realize that sitting in church alongside them are people who actually went through an abortion.

Do they know the anguish? the sleepless nights? the feeling that you are going to lose your mind?

I think that is probably the saddest....the fact that we have women of all ages, race, and backgrounds that have made this choice sitting in church with us and they are overlooked. Maybe it is time we stepped off of the soap box, quit thumping your Bible verse for  5 seconds and go up to one of these women and offer grace and mercy. Tell her that you really don't understand what went in to the decision she made, but you know it must have been pure hell to decide. Then tell her that God still loves her, that He forgives all (people don't,  but He does), tell her that her little baby is resting in the arms of Jesus. She needs to hear it, more than any scripture you could quote or any hymn you can sing.

Tell her she can come out of hiding, that you want to hear her story. Tell her she does not have to be ashamed. Tell her you can not imagine the courage that she must have had to walk through a group of protesters that were calling her names, hurling insults, and passing judgement when they did not even know her. They did not know she had to make a choice.....save herself so she could raise the children she already had, or risk not being there for any of her children.

Tell that it is ok to grieve for all she has lost. Tell her that even though you may not think abortion is right, that you are not going to pass judegement on her decision.


Then.....LISTEN to her journey,

Regina

6 Things That Absolutely Drive Me Insane!

1. The sound of people chewing....absolutely drives me insane! I'm not talking chewing with your mouth open, no....It is so bad that at times I can hear the chewing noises in a crowded restaurant. It's like I have  developed bat ears! This little known fact drives my family crazy!

2. Speaking of restuarants......People in restuarants that share their entire converstaion with the whole restaurant. I cannot eat when this happens. I get so distracted from the noise that I can't even hold a conversation. On our anniversary, the table that was 3 tables over had a lady who was obnoxiously loud. I couldn't take it. We had to ask to be moved. Seriously, it was that bad.

3. The fact that I pay an outrageous amout for cable, we have 100s of channels, and yet cannot find anything to watch sometimes.

4. The sound of a person blowing their nose.....no really, any bodily function for that matter. Yes, I did used to be a nurse and yes it bothered me then too.

5.Hot weather...who can breathe in the humidity in the South. It is awful y'all! I have lived in the South all my life, and No, I am not used to it. I see people out enjoying the summer and I'm like, "I would love to do _______." Out I go, one breath, I am back inside in the AC. Thank the Lord above for the person who invented air conditioning.

6. People who walk around while you are talking to them. Just stand still already and this converstaion will be over in like 3 minutes.

What you add that drives you insane?

Do I Believe He is More Than Enough?

 Do you guys feel like you just exited the spin cycle from your washer? What a week we just had! I feel like I am running to just keep up!

Now it seems my youngest, who will be 10 in a week, wants to go to kids camp with the church this summer. What? 3 whole days and nights without her Dad and I!

This is my girl who is "All Tump, all the time." ......at least right now. Fearless, smart, funny, the light of our lives.
She has her own opinions about everything right. now. She has decided she would like to write to Trump, because she simply, "has a few questions she would like answered."

I have to remember, I am not just raising a kid, I am raising her to be an adult woman,  a leader, successful, determined, full of good character. It's a tough job. I want to know that when she leaves the nest that I have given her what she needs to fly on her own.

Thats the hard part though. If I am successful, she leaves. It's what we want, but it is a struggle too. It tugs at my heart in the early hours of the morning when the house is completely quiet....

I want her  to soar....but not too far. Right? I have to give her the tools to succeed....at least I am working on doing that.

Camp.....I cannot deprive her of the experiences of being a kid, all under the guise of keeping her safe.

What if she gets hurt? What if there is a wreck? What if she gets sick in the night? What if.....?

I have to remember who I serve and who I am teaching her to put her faith in. I cannot be hypocritical here. There are only two choices,  we either have faith in Him or we don't. If I say I trust Him, I have to believe that He will take care of not just me, but of my children too. He knows more than I ever will about what is best for Her. He sees the whole story of her life, beginning to end. I just get to read a chapter at a time.

Saying I tust Him, means letting her go. When I give to Him, what ever it is, He gives back to me, many times over.

What am I afraid of? I have nothing to fear. Jesus conquered all when He died on the cross and then rose again. That was God's son.....how hard was that to let His son go to Earth, knowing the end of the story? Yet, here I sit, grappling with her going to kids camp?

Do I believe He is enough? I do.... The same hands that created the sun, moon, and stars, holds each of us. The bible tells me that He has a plan for her life. I have to trust His plan, I may not know what it is, but I believe it is good. He is a good Father. He is able to do exceeding, abundantly, above all that I could think or ask..........

I choose to trust Him with her journey

Regina

Jeremiah 29:1 (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Well guys, lots of changes going on in this Momma's world. I'm sure for many of you too, as we move toward high school graduations for some.

Hank has always wanted to be a pilot. Then when he was just a little boy, his eyesight was damaged through an illness with Heamophilus Influenza type B. He was in the hospital about two weeks. We lived in KS at the time, so it was long days and longer nights away from our family and all that we knew. This illness was in his bloodstream and we were told that it would cause organ system failure which would lead to death or  mental retardation. Thankfully, none of that happened. What we were not told is that it could cause deafness and blindness.

He wasn't blind but he was in glasses by age 4 with his eyesight changing rapidly.

Move ahead to Hank in elementary school. Something was just not right. I knew...it seemed we all knew it,  but the school. Finally in 5th grade he had a hearing screen and we found out that he needed hearing aids. We asked the school to keep him in 5th grade to give him a chance to adjust to the aids and to get a better foundation for reading and math before plunging straight into middle school.

They did not see it that way....

That was  the start of our homeschool journey.

I cannot believe that we are finishing that journey in about 3 and a half months!

His eyes have now stablilized. His hearing he believed was healed several years ago at a conference we were at back at our home church in Cabot.

He found out he can be a pilot if he meets the vision requirement with his glasses. He has decided to go for it......in Tulsa.

He sat down with me last night and we started all the paperwork for graduation, another run at the ACT, and to gather more info from his top three schools of choice.

Y'all, it was all I could do not to turn into a blubbering mess. I have feelings of pride for my boy that we were told would not succeed in school. In fact his 4th grade teacher told us he had ADD, Dyslexia, Aspergers, and a host of other things that were not true. We know they were not true because he had to be tested for all of that due to her recommendations. The boy had absolutely nothing wrong but hearing loss. She also told me it was because his Dad and I, my first husband, were divorced....Lie! Girlfriends, let that be a lesson to you. The enemy wants to destroy you and your family. If he can just get a toe hold on your self esteem, he will do it! Guard against any negativity like that toward you or your family. That was a lie and I knew it, but if I had let it sink in and dwelt on it.....Hank's future, and mine, may have looked very different.

It's been a hard road for him. Due to the hearing impairment we were behind the 8 ball when we started homeschooling. He made up ground quickly. He wanted to learn. Was it easy? No way....there was a lot of tears and a even more prayer. I will confess that somedays I just didn't know what to do to help him learn. I wanted to throw my hands up. He probably did too. But, we made it. We worked together and figured out how he learned the best and just went for it! I am so glad God has bountiful grace and mercy, because Lord knows, He had to cover me a multitude of times over.

Now here we are. He was given hope again when he saw that he had a chance to go for his pilots license. Not only that, he has a couple of good back up plans if he still can't pass the vision tests. He said, "Mom, I am not going to think about failing. I am just going to say, When I become a pilot. It worked for Donald Trump, he said, When he becomes president, he never said if...." so there is one positive for DJT...he has influenced my son to take a positive approach.

Y'all, my boy with his big ol'servants heart, is going out into this world that is cruel and unforgiving. I don't know if I can stand it. I know that with this, just like everything else that has happened in my life, good and bad, God will be there to give me strength when I have none, His spirit will encourage me, and with Him beside me and Frank on the other side....we will see this boy through this season.

I'm exctied for his future, but just know that I will be standing there from the sidelines with a proud heart and misty eyes.

It's all part of the journey, Regina

He Does Not Change

 To tell you the truth I have been down for while......part depressed, part illness and the rest, just life. We made a big move at the end of 2015 for a job for my husband. It sounded great, it looked great on paper, but sometimes things don't always work exactly like you think they will.

Struggles.....we had a few. About the time it felt like we were getting settled in, I was diagnosed with COPD and CHF. it was blow to say the least. I walked around a little bit dazed for a while. I just couldn't figure out how this happened. You know how it goes, you start reasoning. I tried to do everything right,so that I would not get any type of illness like these. I was angry, sad, scared....you name it. Finances got a little rocky. I had a daughter getting married. I have a son graduating high school. It was a lot going on.

Depression crept in. Thats how depression will do you though, it's a creeper. It certainly doesn't announce itself at the door, right? Throw a bout of pneumonia and strep throat on top of that and it is the perfect storm. There are times I want to quit. Sit down and stay down. The illness alone is difficult some days. If it was just the illness, I think I could manage better.

Today my oldest daughter shared a post on facebook from her church about the dreams that God has given you and which of those are you going to go after in 2017. That post gave me a nudge....and I remembered.....

I remembered that I am the Daughter of the Most High God, I am an Overcomer, I am Resilient, I can make it. He calls me Worthy, He calls me Friend, He is the Lifter of my Head, He is my Source, He is the Grace Giver.

I remembered the dream He gave to me. How that He gave me the ability to tell a story, to write, to speak. I always dreamed of touching people's lives, inspiring them, watching people be set free from any and all bondages.

I remembered that He is a big God and just because my address changed, just because my health changed, just because the job situation changed.....He did not change. The situations I face may be beyond my control, but they are not out of His reach.

I'm going to go after the dreams He gave me...I'm hoping you will do the same.


Still walking this journey with you, my friends,

Regina