The move to healthy living (take 2 because you and I both know we have tried it before) continues. Last night I had sushi....y'all it was to die for! Guess what though, I not kicking myself about my food choice. Everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial....right? We have to remember that, not just with food but with everything.
The last time I wrote to you, I talked about not being ready to give up a LONG standing love with Dr. Pepper. It's so hard y'all even though I know what the benefits are. I just read the list again last night of what sugar, and especially an increase amount of can do to your body. It is awful. If you read that list you will run from sugar for the rest of your life......except I don't run from it, I grab another glass and keep on chugging.
Lat night though, I had this thought occur......Why do I drink it like this? Do I want to quit, really?
I do want to quit. It is taking a horrible toll on my health. I know this....I'm smart like that. Then why do persist with this addiction to soda?
A few answers came to my mind:
- If I quit now, we have already bought several bottle of 2 liters plus 2 liters of the kids choice of drink. Well, that's wasteful not to drink them.
- It's my fault that we bought them in the first place, so I should be punished for that somehow
- I don't want my kids, especially the 9 year old to go down this path, so I will "Save" her by drinking these.
There is only one Saviour
I have to let go of what I think I am protecting. Ultimately, I cannot save her and I cannot save myself. That is evident by the fact that I have multiple health issues right now.
Which brings me to this morning....
I wake up and these thoughts are still with me. I start asking God to show me the why and what I am doing to myself. He did.
I realized that I have a deep wound brought about by an offhand comment made to me after I gave birth to Savannah. Prior to getting pregnant I had lost almost 80#. I think at the time I wore a size 8 or 10. When I went back for my 6 week check up, I still wore a size 12. My dr says to me that I need lose weight, that I am not healthy. Um, hello.....just gave birth here and just came back from the brink of death. I remember leaving there and just feeling like I looked like a beached whale. It was a hard day. Then later when she was about 2 years old, I weighed the same, but another comment. This time from someone closer to me. Now, they apologized for it....much later, years later. It still hurt. I am still hurt today. Words cut deep. Those are scars no one sees.
God showed how I took that hurt and decided that I would never be hurt again by anyone. I believed that I could barricade myself. My weight ballooned out of control, all in the name of protetion.
It's messy y'all.....
Yet again we see this pattern of trying to protect ourselves and save ourselves. All of a sudden we are trying to be our own God. That will never work.
There is only ONE Saviour
If I want this healing I have to be willing to pull back those messy layers, expose the wound, pull away the scars and allow God to perform real heart surgery on me. I don't know how that looks for you, it is a different experience I think for everyone.
For me, it's sobbing into my bathtub while the kids are still asleep. Crying out to God that I am sorry for trying to save myself and acknowledging Him once again as my only Hope. It's realizing that I wasn't made to carry that sort of responsibility. It is telling Him just how bad I am hurt. I'ts realizing I have some deep unforgiveness towards this person. I have to make a choice, I can forgive and be healed or I can go on the same way. It's an obvious choice but it was a hard one to come to. Once I realize that this is the only way, my spirit melts to forgiving them. It is seeing myself trying to be bigger so that I won't get hurt. It's seeing myself drink all those sodas, eat all that unhealthy food everyday in order to make the barricade around my heart bigger. It is forgiving myself. It's just laying there, while He speaks words to my spirit that begin to be a salve to the wound. It is hearing Him whisper over and over that it is ok, that I am going to be ok. It was like I could see that wound being healed.
I tell you all of this today because I have invited you into my life, warts and all.Life is messy, but hiding in the mess will never get anything taken care of. We have to be willing to let Him do the work that needs done in our lives. Does this mean you will never see me drink a soda again? No, but I have freedom to choose if I want the soda. I am no longer a slave to soda. Did I get up totally free from every sugar addiction? I don't think it works that way...there is a process that has to take place in our bodies. Today, I'm just going to try to walk it out. I may fall, but if I do, I fall straight into Grace and Mercy.....
Walking this part of my journey today,